How many times in your life have you been envious of someone else. Maybe it was the star quarterback in high school. Maybe you were totally jealous of the girl next to you who could pull straight A’s without even trying. However it is you’ve done it, everyone has compared themselves to someone else at some point in their lives. The chances are you do it on a regular basis and don’t even realize it.
When I was younger I played competitive tennis. I mean we’re talking three hours every day after school and tournaments on the weekends. Through high school it was a huge part of my life. I think that’s when I started to realize the effects that comparing yourself to others can have on you. When I would win tournaments and do well, I felt great about myself! It was awesome, especially the times when you were seeded highly at tournaments and everyone seemed to know who you were – talk about an ego boost.
But then I’d go to the bigger tournaments, where all of a sudden I was the one doing the gawking. I’d start to compare myself to people that were way better than me. After spending thousands of hours practicing, to not be the best was never easy.
Ok this is the last old photo of me for awhile, I promise.
That said, I was never that hard on myself. I played for fun, and as soon as it wasn’t fun anymore I just took a break (last week I actually picked up a racquet for the first time in two years).
Not everyone was that way though. I would see kids get severely depressed and angry if they didn’t win. This isn’t because they weren’t good, but rather it was because they’d be comparing themselves to all of the other players out there. On any given day, anyone can beat anyone (ok maybe not anyone), so there really was no reason to beat yourself up about it.
So why do I bring this up? I bring it up, because blogging is the first thing since those days of competitive tennis that has really got me making comparisons to those around me.
Last week I mentioned that I feel like I should be a little bit farther along with my blog. While I completely recognize it’s my own fault, that doesn’t mean I don’t get a little jealous of those around me that are seeing tremendous success.
I feel like there are two waves of successful bloggers. You have some of the guys that have been doing it for a few years, are a little bit older, and might be considered the “A-listers”. People like Leo Babauta, Jontathan Fields, Darren Rowse etc.
These guys are far enough ahead of the game that I don’t make too many comparisons to them. They aren’t the ones that get frustrated.
No, it’s the second wave of successful bloggers that are the ones that I’m really talking about. The Adam Bakers, the Everett Bogues, and the Corbett Barrs. These are the people that started around the same time as me, but have really done some impressive things. They aren’t necessarily A-listers, but they are well on their way.
When these guys put out a new product or write a viral post, its hard not to have a tinge of jealousy. One of those fleeting moments where you think “man, why didn’t I come up with that?”
But honestly, where’s the value in that? This isn’t a zero sum game. It’s not like their success will have a negative impact on you. I think you can look at other people and garner a lot of courage and knowledge that you can apply to your life, yet as soon as you start comparing yourself to them in any kind of competitive way, it’s all downhill.
I’ve actually got a lot better about not worrying about it lately. Maybe its because I’ve realized that for all the success I have, there will always be someone who has more. And when you take a step back and realize all that you’ve done from time to time, chances are you will feel pretty good about yourself. I know I do.
So think about that next time you see one of your peers do something awesome. Rather than comparing yourself and getting down because of it, brainstorm ideas for your next awesome project and support the hell out of theirs.
Support is awesome, but comparison kills.
If you enjoyed this post be sure to sign up for the newsletter over in the sidebar, as well as check out the Facebook page and RSS Feed!
Join The Discussion
Hey fellow tennis player! Playing in my first tennis tournament this weekend and there are 32 guys signed up!
Everything just takes time. I look to bigger sites for motivation, always, and not jealousy .
@FS Its a good mindset to have, make sure it stays that way! Congrats on the first tournament, keep me posted on how it goes!
Sean –
Several years ago I knew I wanted to be a writer, but all of my friends were out in the business world making good (sometimes great) money, so I joined them. I did pretty well climbing the corporate ladder, but I saw others doing even better. That made me envious, even though I didn’t really want to be in the corporate world in the first place (Stupid, I know)
Recently, I decided to give writing my full-time attention. I went to a writers conference a few weeks ago and almost immediately became envious of those people I met who had already been published. I quickly realized that the envy is destructive. It doesn’t serve anyone (unless maybe it serves to motivate).
Run your own race, my friend. It’s the only one you can win.
Comparison helps me stay on track and make sure I’m not slacking, but when comparison turns to envy and results in disappointment, it becomes unhealthy.
Doesn’t Chris say something like “I have to be me, everyone else was taken.” You’re your person with your own path. Embrace it. It’s awesome.
Thanks so much for this great post Sean – I was JUST having this exact conversation this morning! I have some bloggers that I look up to and envy so much some times that it can get in the way of producing my own original work. I liked your comment about how now no matter how much success you have, in your mind at least there will always be someone else who has more. This is a great point to reflect on to help move on from comparison and give oneself the space to be authentic! Thanks!!
Sounds like you need to pick up the clubs a wee bit more to beat me at golf son!
-Nick
I think it’s natural to compare ourselves and accomplishments to others. It’s how we gauge where we fit in with the world. Notice how we always tend to compare ourselves with those who we assume are further along than ourself. You never hear anyone say they wish their house was like the dumpy run down house on the corner. I think to some extent comparing ourselves to others can be a great motivator to think (dare I say it) outside of the box. But as Joel mentioned when it turns to envy that is where it turns into an unhealthy situation.
I like where you ended this one. Being content with who you are and where you are going is a great mindset to develop and often at odds on what society tells us we should be thinking.
Sean, I totally identify with you here, more than most I bet. I’ve been there. It’s hard not to take a negative slant on it, but there are so many benefits too…you know those players, and they know you!
The cliche sayings might be lame, but their true…Iron sharpens iron, it’s your game, you’re in control, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…use all that as fuel!
Amen brother. I like what Lou said, “Run your own race, my friend. It’s the only one you can win.”
Couldn’t agree more. Look forward to meeting you in a couple of weeks!
Alan
Hey Sean. You compare yourself with those who are “further along” because in your mind you know you already belong in their ranks. It’s just that your circumstances haven’t quite caught up to your psychology yet. But they will. They always do. No doubt there are people who look at you and think the same thing.
I have been doing some thinking about the comparison issue recently as well. It seems that no matter how much people improve their lives, the only measure that really counts is how much better they are than their peer group.
It doesn’t matter if you are twice as rich or successful as last year, you will only be happy (albeit temporarily) if you have a little more than your neighbours.
I think most people find it really hard to break out of the comparison mentality (including myself). The only way I have found to consistently escape it is to live abroad. I think most travellers and expats can avoid the comparison status wars just because they don’t have equivalent peer groups in new countries.
Travellers still compete but it is for more innocuous goals. Who has the least possessions or has been to the most countries become more important than consumer possessions or levels of accomplishment.
Perhaps this is why I find it so hard to return to my home city of Canada. I don’t want to start the comparison competition again in my life.
Sean,
I love this post and it’s something that I think really needs to be said. Growing up in an Indian family, comparing yourself to other kids is pretty much normal because we’re surrounded by overachievers. My little sister is in medical school which is pretty much the most honorable thing you can do in our community. For years, I used to compare myself to her and I realized that this is something I coined “the comparative and competitive disadvantage.” Comparing and competing is kind of useless effort because it takes away your focus from doing what actually matters which is taking actions towards your own stuff. It’s good to leverage people as role models. Beside, it’ better for you to be you then it is for you to be “celebrity, a-list bogger, etc”
Sean,
This post really resonated with me. I completely relate. I’m getting ready to do a big launch of my new blog and I’ve hit a lot of roadblocks just from comparing myself to both Waves of bloggers. Their success is amazing and inspiring and there is so much to learn from it, but it can also be intimidating. Self-doubt is a bitch. And there is ALWAYS something we could be doing better, whether it be tweeting more or writing more posts or improving our writing or emailing. It never ends!
But, as Joel quoted in his post, “Be Yourself. Everyone else is Taken Already.” (Which is actually an Oscar Wilde quote) I also like ths one: “You were born and original. Don’t be a copy.” Creating our own path is the only way to go.
@ John Bardos – You make an awesome point about the comparison mentality differences between being abroad and being at your homebase. I’ve been living in Asia the past year traveling and the comparisons that are talked about in conversations – places visited, languages spoken, photos taken, kick-ass gear – those kind of comparisons are more inspiring and elevating. But the comparisons back home – of who has the better car, or got the nicer place, or has this and that – ultimately its negative. Its about possessions and status rather than living what really makes a kick-ass life.
Really nice post Sean! Hope your backhand is still rockin
There’s another comparison that can be just as annoying, and just as crippling: people comparing you and your accomplishments/abilities to others. This kind of thing: X can do that. Why can’t you? or Why can’t you be more like Y?
As I said, very annoying and very hard to ignore. I’ve managed to do that over the years, but that spectre still hangs over me once in a while. You’ve just go to keep focused, and maybe tell the people saying that to keep their mouths shut …
Yay for tennis players! I played 4 years of varsity in highschool but nowhere near the level you described..
Comparison is a natural thing we humans do, I think. It was definitely a problem for me especially in college/highschool. But I find myself doing it less..
To put this in my own life perspective, I often would compare myself to other artists, since I went to Art Institute of Portland.. I am pretty enamored by the artist lifestyle. Having a studio. Painting all day. Selling your work.. So I would get jealous of anyone who made a name for themselves in an artsy way. Whether it was traditional art, installations, performance art or a combination. It’s just easy to think that these other people’s lives seem cooler, better than your own. But then, I take a step back and realize *I* am doing cool things too. And the comparison and jealousy stops. If you REALLY wanted to be an A-List blogger, I’m sure you could be. But I’m betting it’s just not your top priority like these A-listers have set up for themselves.. so it’s natural and easy to look at that and play the what if game.
Hi Sean, I’ve been reading your blog on and off since hearing about it from Lifestyle Business Podcast (the tropical MBA sounded great btw!)
I’ve checked out the new wave of bloggers that you mentioned over the past few days.. what they’re doing is great, and I also wanted to suggest that one was a writer for a well-known publication and the other two seem to have started families…
What I’m trying to say is that if you’re like me (single, able to travel and very free), motivation and consistency can sometimes waver – as if by nature and not by any “fault” of our own. It seems as if you’re doing a lot of cool stuff man, and maybe it’d be interesting to compare yourself for a couple of minutes to all the thousands of people that started blogs at the same time as you but very quickly quit, and are now back at ground zero..
All the best
Comments on this entry are closed.